I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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