the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
