I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
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I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
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I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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