Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
