Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
