How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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