She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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