I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
