I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
So much rum. So many feels.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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