I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
No more Irish car bombs ever.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
