not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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