So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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