dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
