Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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