Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
