Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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