Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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