i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I AM VODKA MAN
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
