apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the condom got lost in my hair
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
