Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
