I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You need Xanax blowdarts
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
