To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
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You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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