Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
