Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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