cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
