just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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