I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
