right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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