Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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