K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
