I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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