I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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