Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
