i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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