I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
