i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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