I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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