we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
