I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
