It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
