I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm both gender and math confused
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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