There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Operation Purity has been aborted
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
