I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
