Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
