I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
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Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
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I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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