she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
