Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
