I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Who died my cat blue again?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
