If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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