If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
