What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
