I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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