I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
