just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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