my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
