i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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