Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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